The person I have been searching for
Prior to doing my yoga teacher training almost a decade ago, I was going through a rough time. I had sworn off men after a few bad dating experiences, and was soothing my inner pain with a variety of substances. I was deeply unhappy. Despite this unhappiness, it was one of my goals to do my yoga teacher training and I had saved up and booked the training more than a year in advance.
After a night of partying, I grabbed my bags for my 5 a.m. flight to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for close to a month. We were supposed to prepare for the training to be strong enough physically - I didn’t. We were supposed to read a bunch of books and do pre-work - I hadn’t. I was in the muck, and back then--contrary to now, I didn’t have the tools to pull myself out of it.
By day three of the teacher training, I was almost certain I was going to leave. I remember thinking that it was WAY too hippie dippie for me. Pretty funny now considering the life I live. But an inner voice told me to stay. And thankfully, I didn’t resist.
On the fourth or fifth day, our teacher was explaining a concept to us and he said something that would change my life forever. He said: “Stop searching. Stop looking. You are the one you have been waiting for.”
At first I was just intrigued by this statement, but then I started to think about it and what it meant.
It meant I was enough.
It meant I was all I needed to be happy.
It meant that we search for others to fulfill us, but fulfillment is always right within us.
It meant that no matter who we are with, we are really only with ourselves.
It meant my search was over.
If we are only with ourselves, truly, then we better like, honour and care for ourselves.
My eyes were opened in that moment. I felt an intense healing and comfort that I had never felt before. I felt in that moment I would always be okay. I didn’t need drugs, a relationship or alcohol to fill my life. I had me. And that was enough.
This story has been coming to me lately while I am deep in meditation - I know it is a sign and something that I am being called to reflect on. Separation and divorce can bring up incredible lessons for us. One of the feelings I have been experiencing lately is that feeling of not being enough. Yes, the feeling of not enough for my former husband. But mostly the fear that I may not be enough for someone else in the future. Part of the reason I think that my marriage lasted as long as it did, was the fact that I was scared of being alone and so I stayed. I had forgotten that important lesson.
I am the one I have been searching for. There is no one else needed for me to be whole. No one else needed for me to be complete. When you know this in your soul, it truly sets you free.